Healing for Relationship Trauma

When you try to avoid the pain it creates greater pain. I’m a human being, having a human experience in front of the world.” (Jennifer Aniston)

What we are really trying to avoid is the feeling of shame and the thought that we are not valued by others. Of course, our value is eternal in Christ but the trauma of relational failure tempts us to believe we have no value. If you're a human being you've experienced at least one relational trauma in your lifetime.

Relational trauma can have a profound impact on an individual's life. It can result from abusive behavior occurring between intimate partners and produce long-lasting psychological and physical effects. The trauma can stem from emotional, physical, or sexual abuse endured during the relationship.

Relational trauma can lead to avoidance behaviors that prevent individuals from engaging in activities that could help them achieve their goals. Avoidance is a common coping mechanism for dealing with cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort that arises from holding contradictory beliefs or attitudes. Some ways to avoid or reduce cognitive dissonance are denying, rejecting, or avoiding information that contradicts pre-existing ideas.

In other words, the two contradictory beliefs that occur from relational trauma are; 1. I have worth 2. I do not have value. God designed our brain to resolve this conflict by choosing number one; we have value and worth, but often a person may choose number two, but I do not have value or worth. We are driven to choose one or the other.

Relational trauma can have a negative impact on our sense of worth and value as human beings. It can lead to feelings of toxic guilt and shame that make a person feel isolated from or detached from others. Establishing meaningful relationships may prove complicated, as these emotions may be accompanied by hopelessness, stress, anger, or fear.

Recovering from relational trauma can be challenging but it is possible to heal. Faith in Christ and the love of God are the main source of healing but therapy and self-care can help individuals manage their symptoms and develop coping strategies. Some self-care strategies might include eating regularly and getting enough good sleep to enhance mood, and finding healthy ways to unwind such as exercise or Christian/Biblical meditation.

One scripture to meditate on would be Psalm 94:19 (CEV)
"And when I was burdened with worries, you comforted me and made me feel secure."

In conclusion, relational trauma can have a significant impact on an individual’s life. It can lead to avoidance behaviors and cognitive dissonance that prevent individuals from achieving their goals. However, with the right treatment and support, individuals can overcome these challenges and move forward.

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References:
Relationship Trauma: Signs, Causes, How to Heal
https://www.verywellhealth.com/relationship-trauma-5211576
Loving a Trauma Survivor: Trauma’s Impact on Relationships
https://brickelandassociates.com/trauma-survivor.../
Relational Trauma: Mental Health Effects, Examples, and Healing
https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/what-is-relational-trauma
Treating Complex Relational Trauma
https://cptsdfoundation.org/.../treating-complex.../
How To Reduce Cognitive Dissonance And Why You Must
https://happyproject.in/how-to-reduce-cognitive-disso

Why Men are not Obsessed with Women Anymore

 A woman on Facebook wrote:

"Men just aren't obsessed with woman anymore, and it's weird".
My response below.
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Blame Feminism, as well as the fact that boys aren't taught or wired to compete with women.

I just had an interesting talk with my 2 grandsons and grand-daughter. She feels left out because there are no girls her age around to play with, and she gets frustrated that the boys always win in sports. I tried to tell her that losing is part of learning to win because it makes you practice and get better. But the fact is boys are generally physically stronger and have an advantage. The boys on the other hand get tired of letting her win because boys are wired by God or evolution to compete and win.

When girls "want to be one of the boys or be better than boys", or when girl power and "girls are strong" is the theme then it triggers a competitiveness in relationships. This applies to marriage and/or dating. Our culture is set up, for better or worse, in which men have to compete against each other all the time. We view that as normal, but men really have no desire to compete against women.

Why?

Because our culture views male competition to win over other men as normal, but we are taught to not hurt women. Yet when women want to compete with men it creates a conflict in men between winning over women vs not wanting to hurt them. Men would rather not deal with that mess and just walk away or they will just have sex with them and walk away.

Plus, men want respect. That translates into noticing what they do that's healthy, moral, and skillful. A lot of men are down on themselves because they compete and don't always win over other men. Just watch sports and see how depressed men get when they lose. They are down on themselves already and need someone to encourage them and help them believe in themselves that they can win next time. Most men won't admit what I just said but it is a psychological reality. Encourage the man, show him that you really believe in him, and you'll have his heart. The dude will die for you. Insult him or nag him, and you can kiss his ass goodbye.

How to End a Marriage

 "You're too Stupid to Manage Money"

That was a wife's words to a man who was already depressed because he could not work. He was ill, frustrated with God and at times vented his anger towards God. He tried to help around the house, tried to be a good man and husband, but it was not enough. His depression and anger at God eventually ended the marriage.

Or did it?

Most divorces are initiated by women who point out the man's flaws while minimizes or ignoring their contributions to the failed marriage. There's no excuse for anger towards God, but it does happen. Depression may not be avoidable, but it can be treated.

Both of those can wear down any relationship.

But to insult a man when he is already down is a sure-fire way to tune him out and end the relationship. The moment she called him stupid when he was already down, was the day the marriage ended.

It's a biblical, relational, and psychological truth; insult and nag a man and you can kiss your relationship goodbye. He many not leave you physically, but his heart will be somewhere else. When he finds another woman to do what you were supposed to do, then look in the mirror and ask, "did I do anything to contribute to this situation"? Not saying to excuse adultery or any type of abuse, but just pointing out that a woman's words can make or break a relationship.

You want power as a woman over a man? Then stroke his ego and build him up, especially when he is down. You will have him in the palm of your hand and he will walk on hot coals for you.

If the thought of praising a man is repulsive to you, then perhaps you should consider remaining single.

I know, I know. I can hear the women now.

"Yeah, but men need to do the same towards women". Yep they do. If you are waiting for him to praise you when he's down then why did you marry him? Did you want a personal servant or a personal relationship and commitment. Lift him up when he is down and he will do the same for you. (If he is a normal/healthy man).