After living 70 years in this life and experiencing several failed marriages, I think I'm healed enough and healthy enough to finally be a responsible, healthy man in a relationship. Here is what I have learned over the years. I guess a subtitle might be Learning from the Wisdom of Others for Relational Success.
This writing encompasses the wisdom from both psychology and scripture.
Proverbs 21:19: "It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman." Proverbs 27:15: "A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day." Proverbs 14:1 states, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Colossians 3:19 states: "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them" Ephesians 6:4 states: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord"
Fathers should avoid harsh, unfair, over-critical, or arbitrary treatment that leads to bitterness, discouragement, or resentment in children. (and in wives) Husbands ("Love your wives"): Uses the Greek word agape, referring to a continuous, unselfish, and sacrificial love that puts the spouse's well-being first. ("Do not be harsh" / "Do not be bitter"): Warns husbands against bitterness, resentment, harshness, or cruel speech that can develop over time in marriage.
Women who complain, argue, and find fault consistently also contribute to a family's destabilization. Scripture states that living in a tiny, exposed, or isolated corner of a flat housetop is better for a man than sharing a large, comfortable home with a constant arguer, nagger, or contentious spouse. In ancient Israel, flat roofs were common living and sleeping areas. Choosing a roof corner meant dealing with sun, wind, and rain, yet it offered quiet space away from internal friction. The verse highlights that inner peace, quiet, and emotional safety are much more valuable than physical luxury or a large house spoiled by constant fighting.
The scripture addresses both a husband's and wife’s flaws concerning family stability. A woman can ruin a family with her constant criticism and disrespect of the man while a man brings ruin upon his household through foolish decisions, moral weakness, and rejection of instruction. Moral weakness is not just referring to sexual failures but bitter anger as well. Proverbs 24:3-4 reveals that a house is built by wisdom and established by understanding, implying that a lack of discernment destabilizes the family structure.
Colossians 3:19 instructs husbands not to be harsh with their wives, and Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to provoke their children to anger. Uncontrolled rage, bitterness, and tyranny create an oppressive home environment that alienates family members and shatters trust.
I’ve lived through both of these scenarios. I’ve been in relationships in which the wife was never satisfied with anything and my life was a miserable living hell on earth. I remember coming home from work once and talking with God; pleading with him to let me run away or get out of the marriage because I knew when I walked in the door she would find something wrong with me or my work.
Her fault was constant criticism and fault finding.
My fault was that I did not know how to regulate or control my emotions. I could handle it for a while but would eventually explode in anger and begin yelling (usually accompanied by profanity). Both of us were wrong but neither of us took responsibility for our role in harming the family structure and peace. We did exactly what Adam and Eve did; we covered or excused our failures while blaming the other or someone else for the families destruction.
Both of us failed by not listening to the wisdom of others. In my second marriage, we were warned not to get married. Why? Our church made everyone fill out a Taylor Johnson Temperament Analysis test during pre-marital counseling. The results of the test revealed that we were incompatible and our relationship would most likely be very contentious and possibly fail.
Our responses? Oh that test is wrong! We heard from God and we will succeed.
The test was right and we were wrong. We thought God spoke to us but I must have had at least 5 people at church tell me that they had prayed and felt like God was telling us to either wait or not get married.
Well, we ignored the wisdom of the elders, we ignored the wisdom of psychology, our marriage was filled with contention and ultimately failed!
In hindsight, I believe it failed because our relationship began with trauma bonding and unresolved trauma on both our parts. We needed personal healing not a marriage. But trauma creates unbearable loneliness and such an insatiable drive for connection that individuals/couples will ignore the red flags because the need for love and connection is more important than the need for peace and safety. That drive ultimately leads to unhealthy connections and a loss of love, peace, and/or safety.
Fast forward a few decades and a few healings later. Having received my own healing through counseling and prayer (I’m still healing) and having become a fairly successful counselor, I’ve come to realize some truths about relationships.
1. Everyone I married had traumatic histories and I had my own traumatic history.
Beginning any type of relationship with unresolved trauma is almost a guarantee of relationship failure.
2. If one person has a traumatic history of abusive or neglectful relationships, the marriage can work but only if they accept responsibility for their own healing and the other person is willing to work with them, forgive, and pray for their spouse and themselves.
3. If you marry a narcissist, you better learn to pray and learn to deal with gaslighting or you will be miserable and depressed.
4. If both parties have traumatic pasts then either wait to get married until you have resolved enough of your own trauma, and learn to understand what makes a secure relationship; or do not get married.
5. Because every relationship is inherently flawed due to two people with sinful nature who are prone to hurt (intentionally or unintentionally) forgiveness, communication, wisdom, and understanding have to become your best friends or you can kiss your marriage or happiness goodbye.
6. It is possible to heal from past relational trauma through a secure, loving, forgiving, and accepting relationship. At the same time, you are responsible for your healing. That means seeking counseling, developing health self-awareness, eliminating negative self-talk, and exercising faith in the love of God are paramount for a successful relationship.
7. Ignoring biblical and healthy psychological wisdom = failure
8. Jesus + Love+ healing + forgiveness + patience + commitment = You gotta strong chance of making it :)
