[Pro 30:21, 23 KJV]
For three [things] the earth is disquieted, (trembles or quakes) and for four [which] it cannot bear: ... For an odious (hateful) [woman] when she is married.
Because of previous posts, I need to stress that I am not picking on women; I am just sharing a scripture and the possible psychological implications associated with that scripture.
Is it possible that Solomon is describing a person with Borderline Personality Disorder? For some reason, more women than men are diagnosed with this disorder, although personally, I’m waiting for more research to be done before accepting that idea. Below are the symptoms of BPD according to the DSM-5, and in my humble opinion, it seems men and women equally fit these criteria. However, other diagnosis markers need to be met before an accurate assessment can be determined. For now, we will just hypothetically assume that this is a description of BPD in these scriptures and that it can apply to both genders equally.
BPD Criteria
“A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects,
and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts,
as indicated by five (or more) of the following”.
and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts,
as indicated by five (or more) of the following”.
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal
or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Hate
Our first question to ask is why this man or woman is hateful to begin with. Is it a true personality disorder, a neurological disorder, the results of abusive trauma in the home? Was the abuse so severe that it activated any genetic predisposition to BPD?
What causes a person to both hate and be hated? As Christians, the obvious answer is sin, but we need to ask exactly what is sin, instead of leaving a person shamed and condemned with no hope of redemption or restoration. A brief summary of sin is as follows; sin is not just breaking the law of God because sin was in the world before the law. Sin presents itself as a spiritual/personality/character trait that has been passed on to humanity through Adam and Eve.
The Main Traits of Sin
1. A pervasive, sometimes subtle, drive to control one’s life apart from Gods presence and Spirit.
2. A desire and attempt to determine what is moral, aesthetically, corporately, martially, interpersonally, and intrapersonal, good and evil or right and wrong.
3. A desire and attempt to experience and determine what is good and bad for the self through experimentation of personal desires, regardless of the harm it may present to oneself or others.
4. A personal drive and attempt to crave what belongs to another person i.e. a disrespect and violation of the property rights of other people.
5. An abnormal desire for power in order to control others politically, relationally, economically, psychologically, and spiritually for personal gain or fame.
As our Canadian friends would say, Pretty heavy stuff, eh? In short, all of these traits are an expression of the very thing that resulted in Satan's expulsion from heaven, and the very thing that he tempted Adam and Eve with through the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
2. A desire and attempt to determine what is moral, aesthetically, corporately, martially, interpersonally, and intrapersonal, good and evil or right and wrong.
3. A desire and attempt to experience and determine what is good and bad for the self through experimentation of personal desires, regardless of the harm it may present to oneself or others.
4. A personal drive and attempt to crave what belongs to another person i.e. a disrespect and violation of the property rights of other people.
5. An abnormal desire for power in order to control others politically, relationally, economically, psychologically, and spiritually for personal gain or fame.
As our Canadian friends would say, Pretty heavy stuff, eh? In short, all of these traits are an expression of the very thing that resulted in Satan's expulsion from heaven, and the very thing that he tempted Adam and Eve with through the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Genetics Altered
The consequence of Adam and Eve’s transgression was to alter the genetic code of humanity. Remember, Adam and Eve were created in the image and likeness of God consequently; there was no genetic corruption in them because they were created in God’s image and likeness. However, after they sinned, Adam and Eve had children and the scripture states that these children were born in the image of Adam and Eve, not in the image of God.
[Gen 5:1, 3 KJV] 1 This [is] the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; ... 3 And Adam lived a hundred and thirty years, and begat [a son] in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth.
By the time we get to Genesis 6 (a mere 9 or 10 generations) the human race had degenerated from dwelling in peace and harmony with one another, and dwelling in God’s presence; to such a fallen condition that God was forced to save humanity through the flood; lest humanity destroy itself.
[Gen 6:12 KJV] But the earth was corrupted before God, and the earth was filled with iniquity.
13 And the Lord God saw the earth, and it was corrupted; because all flesh had corrupted its way upon the earth. 14 And the Lord God said to Noah, A period of all men is come before me; because the earth has been filled with iniquity by them, and, behold, I destroy them and the earth.
13 And the Lord God saw the earth, and it was corrupted; because all flesh had corrupted its way upon the earth. 14 And the Lord God said to Noah, A period of all men is come before me; because the earth has been filled with iniquity by them, and, behold, I destroy them and the earth.
Evolutionary theory offers a different view as to why humanity has genetic aberrations and personality disorders, and I’ve written about that in the past. Nevertheless, whichever model one believes, the results are the same; humanity has both good and bad genetics and traits that may lead to maladaptive behaviors and personality disorders. It should be noted and stressed, just because a person is genetically predisposed to a personality disorder does not mean they are predestined to develop one; nor if they do develop one are the predestined to remain in that state. In fact, BPD symptoms often subside as one ages.
After reading the DSM criteria, let’s assume that a diagnosis of BPD has been met, we’ll cover just three here; (note: five of the criteria must be met before a positive diagnosis can effects). We can then see why the earth would shake, tremble, and be restless when someone with BPD decides to marry.
Abnormal or Intense Fear of Abandonment
Take number one, if a person is constantly fearful of abandonment (which is related to attachment theory), they will either display a distrust of their mate or display a dependent/clinging effect that will actually drive their mate away. This results in a self-fulfilling prophecy that further increases abandonment anxiety.
Abnormal or Intense Fear of Abandonment
Take number one, if a person is constantly fearful of abandonment (which is related to attachment theory), they will either display a distrust of their mate or display a dependent/clinging effect that will actually drive their mate away. This results in a self-fulfilling prophecy that further increases abandonment anxiety.
Unstable Sense of Self
Number three criteria of BPD, “Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self”. If you’ve ever known someone with an unstable self-image or sense of self, they often exhibit depression and/or suicidal ideations. When the scripture states that the earth trembles when a hateful woman (or man) marries, it does not specifically state that the person hates themselves yet it does not say they do not either. Human personality traits haven’t changed all that much over the years, as the scripture states,
Ecc 1:9 What has been is what will be, and what has been done will be done again. There is nothing new under the sun.
An unstable person often projects their own self-hatred upon others and imagines that they are being hated by others; sometimes they imagine God hates them also, even though He loves them dearly. The earth trembles, and for the purposes of relational psychology, we’ll interpret earth as the environment. The environment that a hateful person enters trembles because of the instability and unpredictability that accompanies their BPD.
An unstable person often projects their own self-hatred upon others and imagines that they are being hated by others; sometimes they imagine God hates them also, even though He loves them dearly. The earth trembles, and for the purposes of relational psychology, we’ll interpret earth as the environment. The environment that a hateful person enters trembles because of the instability and unpredictability that accompanies their BPD.
This writing is not intended to stigmatize anyone, it is meant to create understanding and compassion because all of us have some type of issue we are dealing with because of Adam and Eves transgression. Every human being is flawed and every human being deserves compassion and grace. Having said that we have to have wisdom and at times protect the ill person as well as society through medication and/or therapy.
Inappropriate Anger
That leads us to the third criteria we are dealing with:
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
This is trait applies to both genders, yet for the sake of the scriptural reference, we’ll assume this is talking about a hateful woman; however, both genders will be covered. I remember a marriage conference that was held at my former church, Sweetwater Church of the Valley, in Arizona. The guest speaker, Dr. Dean Berger, was a well-known marriage counselor in California (if memory serves me right). Dr. Berger spent one week doing lectures and workshops, as well as counseling several married couples in the church over the course of one week. I believe he counseled 10 marriages and to the best of my knowledge saved all 10 marriages. I’m not sure if they stayed together (I heard they all remained married) nevertheless, he did avert disasters in these marriages.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of
temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
This is trait applies to both genders, yet for the sake of the scriptural reference, we’ll assume this is talking about a hateful woman; however, both genders will be covered. I remember a marriage conference that was held at my former church, Sweetwater Church of the Valley, in Arizona. The guest speaker, Dr. Dean Berger, was a well-known marriage counselor in California (if memory serves me right). Dr. Berger spent one week doing lectures and workshops, as well as counseling several married couples in the church over the course of one week. I believe he counseled 10 marriages and to the best of my knowledge saved all 10 marriages. I’m not sure if they stayed together (I heard they all remained married) nevertheless, he did avert disasters in these marriages.
A Man’s Anger
During one of the lectures, he spoke about two character traits of men and women that often led to the destruction of their marriages. With men, the traits were anger and negativity and with women, nagging and perfectionism were subtle expressions of anger. He spoke of how a man’s anger was particularly devastating to women because God designed women to find much of their identity in men. That is neither a chauvinist statement nor a statement that allows men to control women. He explained that it should lead men to become gentler in dealing with their wives because he had known some women that were literally driven crazy because of their husband’s verbal abuse. I’ve counseled, in a pastoral position, a few women in abusive relationships and have listened to hundreds of others. Everyone stated that they had lost their sense of self because of their verbally abusive husband or boyfriend. They didn’t know who they were anymore because as the scripture states, God is the head of man, and man is the head of woman. That simply means that men derive much of their identity from God as a father figure or another man representing a God as a father figure. This then filters through the man to the woman. In our modern western world, we have a hard time relating to that concept, but for first century peoples, it was an acceptable and understandable concept.
A Woman’s Anger
A woman’s expression of anger also has a devastating effect on the man but in a different way. Dr. Berger related that when a woman constantly finds fault with a man via nagging or perfectionism, it can drive him to depression, suicidal ideations, or choosing destructive behaviors such as drinking, or sexually dangerous choices. He chooses these things in order to escape in the hopes of hearing someone tell him what is good about him. Men, said Dr. Berger, have extremely fragile egos that are often hidden through a persona of toughness. Dealing with competitiveness, demands, and accusation in the work world all day, the last thing a man wants is to come home to more demands, or nagging.
Self-hatred or hatefulness towards others often leads to unstable interpersonal conflicts.
Self-hatred or hatefulness towards others often leads to unstable interpersonal conflicts.
[Proverbs 10:12 KJV] Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.
What are we to conclude? Do we prevent people with BPD from getting married? Doesn’t everyone deserve to have a relationship with a significant other? The church I attended in Dubuque, Iowa had a great pastor who was committed to the psychological well being of the congregation. He researched a program called Celebrate Recovery which is a Christian themed recovery group that deals with everything from depression to sex/alcohol/drug addictions and from anger to a lack of assertiveness.
There was one woman, whom I had met and talked to in the hallway, that he did not know how to help her. I wasn’t a member of the pastoral staff there, and I wasn’t allowed to make a license at that time. He and I were talking about it before I moved back to Arizona, and my heart broke for both he and her. She needed help and he wanted to help but didn’t know how. She exhibited behaviors that seemed abnormal, with symptoms of OCD or PTSD and some other personality disorder. I think I suggested he send her to a local agency and work with them in order to help her. What would you do with her? Should she not be married?
I knew another couple in the Midwest who absolutely had personality disorders. He was Schizophrenic and she had BPD; they both admitted to it and were in therapy and on medication. If ever there was a mismatch for marriage their’s was the mismatch. Yet, they did get married and had an unusual way to deal with conflict that worked for them. The both lived in the same apartment complex and when they married they simply kept both apartments. They lived in hers most of the time but when they had a heated argument he would go back to his apartment and stay there till they both cooled off!! When I learned of this my sense of humor could not help but think that this may catch on in the United States and reduce the divorce rate!
Compassion
We are not going to avoid personality disorders in church or outside of the church because the effects of Adam and Eves transgression are with us until Jesus returns. I believe a multidimensional approach is the best approach to help those with disorders. First and foremost everyone is loved of our Father in Heaven and deserves to be given the love of God to the best of our abilities. While it is difficult to deal with BPD it is not impossible. The scripture above stated that Hatred stirreth up strife but love covers a multitude of sin. A person with BPD, or any other disorder, may cause turmoil at times yet need love as much or more than anyone else. It is the love and understanding of God that is going to help in the long run. Love is the first form of therapy.
Another dimension of therapy is to make sure they are in an environment that is conducive to healing as much as possible. Sometimes BPD is caused by childhood abuse or trauma, therefore, an environment of peace and safety is essential in the healing process. This fits in well with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Professional Therapy, preferably faith based therapy, is essential for continued healing and growth and when necessary medication. Church attendance, in which the presence and love of God are preeminent, will give a person a sense of belonging and community.
Love, love, love is the answer for the Christian therapist/pastor in helping someone with BPD. It’s challenging, but not impossible. Love covers a multitude of sin; the idea in the old covenant for the word cover is the same as when a cloud covered Mount Sinai. The mountain was still there, and no one pretended that it ceased to exist. The new reality was this: All that could be seen was the cloud. When the scripture states that love covers the main emphasis is on the love of God covering the person. Just as the cloud on Mount Sinai changed Moses appearance, so the love of God towards a hateful person changes humanity. This love is practical, at times tough, often gentle, and always present.
Dan Dickerson © November 1, 2016
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